Critical Missives #28
Chapter: Comic, Level 6 — Fangs for Nothing
It’s true. Now you can summon your very own obscure elder god from the convenience of your browser.
(Rusty & Co. is not responsible for any damages to your person, property, or psyche from using the generator.)
Somebody should really tell her that trying to destroy the world is horribly cliché in itself.
I think that came up earlier and they decided that it was okay, as long as they were doing it ironically.
Of course, she’s in trouble no matter what she does, because vampires are -so- mainstream now.
As long as she doesn’t glitter.
Yay! Another generator!
But wouldn’t repeatedly destroying reality to make a new one become, itself, old and cliched? 🙂
You can ask Thor about that one (spoilers if you know which version I’m referring to).
She could just try visiting alternate realities. There’s an infinite number of them.
Ezra, if your plan is to do the same thing again and again, I’m afraid you’re a rather boring villain. Try to find some different plan. Something that isn’t so cliché.
But doing something cliche to avoid being cliche is IRONIC, and therefore ok (by hipster standards)!
*snrk*
The elder got I just generated apparently has a mortal weakness to Vitamin C.
*pfft*
Nee-go the Restless
The Old Smoky Being shall suffocate all those in the dreams of humanity when he wakes from his slumber.
To keep him asleep, a worthy hero must draw the god into a specially prepared veseel infused with a child’s wish.
I got…. D’iviatsss some serpent that has to be forced back into the Miriana trench using sunlight……. anyone else got anything better?
She DOES have a point at the end there, tho… 🙂
Oh, and I got:
Ka Akikizak
The Black-Shelled Monkey Skulker shall leave a path of destruction through the local high school while hiding beneath its impenetrable carapace!
Its cultists seek to summon it with a dark ritual to coax him back to sleep with bright light.
(note that some of these do NOT mention any way of stopping them… *unease* )
I got… something that doesn’t sound too bad… I think?
Pepscupy
The Bubbling Bloodthirsty Hound shall suck the blood from the wicked and unjust by using an addictive substance on innocent people!
The only way to cure people of the addiction is to make the god rise from grave, using the tears of the innocent.
Would this mean he’ll, like, make all innocent people be able to suck the blood out of any wicked and unjust person they come across?
I got one that can be defeated by “freeing those trapped in his downpipe, using butter”. Yikes!
oh, sheet, now i have to stop an elder god by destroyig it´s piramid usig only butter… and if not he´ll catch a supermarket on a giant butterfly net, it´s just soooo weird (not cliche at all thought)
ooohh, i have another mindblowing one… “…to awake the god her cultists must sleep the god using…”
that can inspire philosophical dialogues, it´s just amazing
On my second attempt, I got The Black-Shelled Serpent Serpent. No, that’s not a typo.
They violate not only the laws of physics, but of grammar!!!
If they violate those of arithmetic as well, we’re in big trouble.
My result – “Ba’aamcbu
The Fleeced Plaid Beast shall induce vertigo in all those who live near the entire city if his black, oily fleece is not sheared by the full moon.
To create shears sharp enough to shear him, you must remove the god’s stripes, and therefore powers, by using the blood of the guilty. “
A multi eyed snail that consumes your garden, summoned by putting salt around it’s altar. Sounds dangerous.
Poro-go-bu
The Spotted Dancing Beast shall induce a frenzy in all those who live near the entire city with a giant butterfly net!
You can convert the beast to your cause, if you put the god to sleep, using the blood of the guilty.
symbol3_0.png (looks like a black wedge poking the centre of a circle with three bumps in the circumference, with a wider half-circle smiling underneath it)
Fascinating.
Mine- therefore the best:
Tragazillglojj
The Spiny Towering Destroyer shall stomp upon the government using his millions of poisonous barbs!
To return him to his sleep, you must cause the god to sink back beneath the ocean, using the power of gold dust.
I’ve got a positively domestic Elder Being:
Neea-a the Slayer.
She (I guess) will consume the local petting zoo and can only be stopped if a hero draws a circle with pretty ribbons around her altar.
Oh, and she’s a multi-eyed embodiment of Death (for goats, I guess?).
Sss Axiox
The Slinking Jaundiced Gas Cloud shall inflict pestilence upon the upper atmosphere by striking from the shadows!
To summon the creature from the dark side of the moon, its cultists must cause the creature to consume itself, using gravity.
Xxamcrora
The Unknowable Plaid Mantis shall induce vertigo in all those who live near Paris by erasing the minds of those who get in its way!
To attract its attention, cultists will try to remove the god’s stripes, and therefore powers, by using pure water.
K’kmogthukk
The Crystalline Brooding Hunter shall use his relentless fury to destroy a worthy opponent’s lair by using giant lasers!
You can turn his own lasers against him, if you soothe the beast’s rage using the bones of your mortal enemy.
Damn, I want to see the code for this.
I just got:
Neesciataglojj
The Old Shadowy Destroyer shall destroy the sun, using a magic artifact buried at the government when he wakes from his slumber.
To keep him asleep, a worthy hero must destroy the artifact, using gold dust.
The part about “buried at the government” cracks me up. Yes, all government functions are carried out at one location!
Vaklolo
The Venomous Mechanical Being shall destroy all that is deemed imperfect in your grandmother’s house by spitting deadly poison!
To neutralize his poison, you must disconnect the gears of of the god’s mind using colloidal silver.
Here’s what I got
Sloogisszi
The Slimy Silent Trickster shall mutate all those who live in your bedroom – such is the power of her mighty slime-trail!
To prevent her from awakening, you must return all those mutated back to normal. The cure is ordinary a prank.